Kinky Gazpacho: 13 Years Later

Hola Meltingpot Readers,

For you my faithful readers, you know I don't use this blog to talk too much about my 'personal life,' but I wanted to share that yesterday el esposo and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Here's how we celebrated. El esposo got up as usual before 7 a.m. to get the boys ready and off to school. I didn't see him again until 10 p.m. when he arrived home from a full day of teaching and then taking classes. I worked all day, then spent my evening hauling kids to and from baseball practice, then karate class. I think we wished each other Happy Anniversary for the first time at midnight before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Not much of a celebration right? Well, we were supposed to celebrate last weekend in New York, just the two of us, but the grandparents, for reasons beyond their control, couldn't keep the kids as planned. So the New York 'just the two of us' weekend, became a family outing.

But guess what? I'm still happy. I'm still 'celebrating.' I think the fact that we can keep this crazy lifestyle going, that we have three happy kids, that we are individually and as a couple chasing our dreams, is pretty awesome. And even though el esposo and I fight -- in English and Spanish -- I still think he's pretty darn cute and he can always make me laugh. Thirteen years later, yeah, that's something to celebrate.

Happy! Happy!

Peace!

Is That Your Child?: The Asian Perspective

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

I'm on the road today. I'm traveling to Boston to give a talk at Simmons College on Identity Politics. I'm really excited about it, but of course have no time to write.

But then, in doing the research for my talk, stumbled on this post, that I could have written myself. You know, the one about your child not looking like you because you married and procreated with a White guy, except the writer is Asian, not Black.

So, without further ado, check out this post from Hyphen Magazine about the pitfalls of mixie parenthood with Asian mom and White dad. Enjoy.

Happy Weekend.

Peace.

A White Woman and a Black Man Walk into a Church in Kentucky...

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

So did you hear about the church in Kentucky that recently decided to ban interracial couples from joining their congregation? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a brief article from the Huffington Post to catch you up on the  shenanigans.

My favorite part of that story is that the church board decided that interracial couples could attend church services but could not officially join the congregation, nor participate in church activities, "except for funerals." Why funerals I wonder? Does death trump racism? Or maybe a funeral, just ain't a funeral without a negro in attendance? I'm just wondering.

But before anyone gets really angry, there's good news up ahead. Once the church members discovered that it was against state and federal law to ban interracial couples from the church, they decided their previous vote didn't count. Now, everyone is welcome to worship at the Gulnare Free Will Baptist Church. Don't you feel better now? I'm sure there's going to be a long line of colored folks banging on those church doors asking to praise the Lord with the fine folks at Gulnare who have recently seen the light.

Okay, I'm going to get serious here for a second. One, I'm not surprised that this happened. I'm not surprised because I know that racism is still very much alive in this country and the world. I know that many people -- of all colors and stripes -- believe that folks should just stick with their own kind when it comes to marriage.

But I'm going to try to sympathize with this congregation, give them the benefit of the doubt. Gulnare Free Will Baptist  is a tiny church in Appalachia. Now, I'm no Appalachian expert, but I do know that there aren't a ton of Black people in them thar hills. It's very easy to stay rooted in ignorance and stereotypes when there's nobody around to challenge your belief system. Perhaps now that their peculiar brand of "ignorance" has been shown to the world and they have been shamed, they will begin to change their ways. Maybe. I said, maybe.

Here's a clip from the church's pastor who suggests that maybe that will happen.



What do you think? Can anything good come from this painful moment? Like what? And is anyone else wondering if the young White woman who dragged her African fiance to the church truly believed that the congregation would welcome her with open arms? Or was she just hoping to heat things up and bring the church into the 21st century?

I'm so totally listening.

Peace!

"Kissing Outside the Lines:" A Meltingpot Book Review

Hello Meltingpot Readers,

If you recall a while back, I mentioned I'd be reading and reviewing TV actress, Diane Farr's new book, Kissing Outside the Lines: A True Story of Love and Race and Happily Ever After. So, I read it. And it's taken me a moment to decide what I want to say about it. But now I know.

First, I want to say that Farr has penned a very readable and in some parts, quite hilarious book about her experience meeting and marrying her Korean-American husband. Farr has no problem laughing at herself and sharing some of her most embarrassing moments.  For that reason alone, one immediately becomes engaged in the story. In addition, I applaud her efforts at sharing her experience as a White woman marrying into a Korean family and sharing the stories of other interracial and/or intercultural couples. As a member of a mixie tribe myself, I love hearing how other people are living the life.

But here's the problem with the book. Farr's premise that she's shedding light on a topic that remains hidden in the 21st century -- that topic being that people don't want their kids to marry someone outside of their race -- is old news. In the clip below from the Today Show, Farr says about her reasons for writing the book, "[This] is the last prejudice we don't talk about." In other words, after being shunned by her Korean husband's family because she is White, Farr realized that people are secretly prejudiced and it was up to her to tell the world about it.

Watch.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sorry to say, Ms. Farr, but it is only because you have pretty much lived your life without being judged by the color of your skin (except for an incident in elementary school where it seems Farr was beat up for being half Italian) that you are shocked by the racism that people all over the world still exhibit.

So, back to the book. It was hard for me to stay engaged in the story, despite Farr's gift for the gab, because I was kind of going 'duh' throughout the whole thing. And because after awhile, I wanted to shake Farr and say, "They (her Korean in-laws) don't dislike you because you're White, they dislike you because you're not Korean!" That's a whole different ball of wax. I think this book could have been saved if Farr had simply decided to write a cute little memoir about integrating her new Korean family, instead of trying to tell the rest of us what we already know about interracial relationships. They're complicated. Some people are mean. And despite the obstacles, sometimes people can live happily ever after.

The Meltingpot grade: Nice Try

Has anybody else read Kissing Outside the Lines? I'd love to hear your opinion.

Peace!

Interracial "Loving" on the Big Screen

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

Amidst the horrifying sound bites and statistics that (Republican) folks in Mississippi still believe that interracial marriage should be against the law, it's refreshing to hear that a film documenting the historic court case of the Lovings vs the Supreme Court of the United States will soon be seen on the big screen.

A new documentary, The Loving Story is about to premier at the Tribeca Film Festivalin New York City. From the Film Festival website:

" Through stunning archival footage of the Lovings, the film revisits this public battle through the eyes of a private couple who simply wanted to have the right to get married and live in the place they called home.

Director Nancy Buirski reacquaints us with this famous couple with the same grace and elegance of the soft-spoken but driven Mildred Loving herself, and subsequently breathes vibrant new life into history. Beyond the trials and legal battles, Buirski delicately anchors this inspiring film in an engaging human love story with a timely message of marriage equality, echoing the words of Mildred on the 40th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision: "I support the freedom to marry for all. That's what Loving, and loving, are all about."

The first showing in New York City is tomorrow, April 21. Anybody in the area, please go see it and tell us how it is. Hopefully the film will generate enough interest and be shown across the country. I know I'll do my part to bring it to Philly.

Do you want to see it? Tell me why?

I'm listening.

Peace.

p.s. I hope everyone caught the first episode of Black in Latin America last night. If not, tune in next Tuesday when they discuss Cuba.

Kinky Gazpacho II: The End of an Era?

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

Remember when I mentioned that my brother and el esposo's sister had fallen in love? Well, they've been trying to make a go of their relationship, but suffice it to say, there's trouble in paradise.

I'm not going to use The Meltingpot to dissect their relationship, but watching them struggle has brought back soooo many memories of when el esposo and I first got together, as well as the stories and anecdotes of other long-distance, cross-cultural couples I know. So, I thought I'd compose a little warning list of issues that seem to be universal (in my un-certified opinion) in the long-distance, cross-cultural romance.

1. Transatlantic flights are expensive and time-consuming, therefore if you're not rich, these relationships can implode because of a lack of funds. On the plus side, the invention of Skype makes staying in touch infinitely less expensive. (I wish Skype existed in 1994 when I paid my phone bills to Spain with credit cards. Ooops!)

2. Language barriers are confounded by cultural differences. The phrase " we're not speaking the same language," takes on a whole new meaning when not only do the two people speak different languages, but their perspective on things has been shaped by completely different socio-cultural paradigms.

3. Guilt becomes a third party to the relationship. Why? Because inevitably, somebody has to leave their homeland, culture, family and customs in order to make the relationship work. Thus the other person tends to feel an enormous sense of responsibility to guarantee their happiness. And if the partner isn't 100 percent happy, guilt ensues.

4. Hollywood doesn't help: Somehow the romantic exploits played out on the big screen and romanticized in popular culture about marrying/falling in love with a Latin Lover, sexy French girl, romantic Italian man/woman, exotic Brazilian lover, fills our head with the idea that this type of relationship will be so satisfying, worth the effort and way more thrilling than settling for on of our own kind. But all of that fluffy romance tends to ignore points 1-3 above and leaves us extremely unprepared and disappointed with the amount of work it takes to make a relationship like this work. (sigh)

For the record, el esposo and I 'dated' for seven years before deciding to tie the knot. And we broke up at least three times during those years. Of course, now we're blissfully happy and never argue (NOT!!) but it's still a struggle. And not just because we're a typical married couple, but because of the added issues that come with marrying someone from another country.

What about you Meltingpot Readers? What do you think are the biggest issues couples from two different countries must face? I'm listening...and I'll pass all of your ideas onto my brother and sis-in-law.

Peace!

If You're in Philadelphia Today...

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

If you're in Philly today, enjoying the ridiculous, summer-like weather, please consider stopping by the main library in Center City to hear me and Wench author, Dolen Perkins-Valdez. We're doing a joint reading to kick off the Philadelphia Book Festival. Details about the event can be found at the library website.

If you recall, I reviewed Wench here on the Meltingpot and I called it a "heartbreaking work of of historical genius," and I stand by my assessment. In fact, I'm thinking I'll just read a paragraph or two from Substitute Me, so we can hear more from Perkins-Valdez. I am so excited to finally meet her in person. Of course, I'm going to ask her what she's working on next.

I do think it is interesting that we were paired to read together. There is the obvious connection of Black women working for/serving White men and the sexual tension between them. Wench gives us the historical perspective, Substitute Me examines the same relationship in modern times. I suspect it will be a riveting, although maybe painful discussion. I'm glad el esposo won't be there. Could be AWKWARD.

So, wish me luck and I'll let you know how it all goes down. And if you do live in the area, I'd love to see you tonight at 6pm.

Peace.

Revisiting the One-Drop Rule: Thanks Halle Berry

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

In case you don't regularly follow gossip zines and websites like I do, then you may have missed the latest in the Halle Berry/Gabriel Aubry custody battle over their daughter Nahla. Sad but true, another celebrity couple airing their very dirty laundry for all the world to comment on, like me.

Now like most of you, I just shake my head in shame that these two adults can't find a way to handle their business in a private dignified way, a way that will spare their daughter from future pain and sorrow. But at the end of the day, I figure it's their life, they can screw it up any way they want. However, I can't help but reflect on Berry's latest insistence that her daughter is Black because her mama is Black. Here's the report from the Huffington Post, in case you want to read all the juicy details.

At the HuffPo, they claim Berry and Aubry are now in the midst of a 'race war' as Aubry doesn't want his daughter to be referred to as Black. So, let's review. Mom says, 'my daughter is Black,' dad says 'she's not.' What to do? But more importantly, what does it matter? Here we are in 2011 and two parents are fighting over their daughter's racial classification. Surely this isn't the first time parents of multi- or bi-racial children have disagreed on how to classify their children's racial identity, but perhaps this is the first time the paparazzi and gossip rags have decided to publicize the fight for all the world to comment on. And you know that is exactly what is going to happen.

Suddenly everybody is debating whether the One-Drop Rule still has relevance, if it ever had relevance and why, given its racist origins, any Black woman would invoke it when referring to her daughter. Just to prove my point, there were over 105,000 mentions of Halle Berry and the One-Drop Rule for Google to find in 0.12 seconds. Let the race debate --not war -- begin. And here's what I'm wondering, as a mama with two mixie kids, one dark and one light. Would this conversation be any different if Berry's daughter didn't have ginger tinted skin and brown curly hair? What if she presented more caucasian? Would Berry still insist her daughter was Black? Would Aubry have to declare that she wasn't? Hmmm...

If you could have some sit-down time with Berry and Aubry, what would you tell these two warring parents to do, as it relates to their daughter's ethnic identity? Maybe we can help them and/or others in similar situations.

I'm listening. Halle are you?

Peace.

Peace?

The World's Tallest Couple is Also Multi-Racial---How Crazy is That?

Hi Meltingpot Readers,

It's a busy, busy, busy day, and it's the last day of camp for my boys. That means, things are going to get even busier soon. So that's why I'm not giving you any of my witty observations today, but rather posting a link to this story that caught my eye on the world's tallest couple.

I'm a sucker for background stories on Guinness Book of World Record holders, plus this couple was mixed, so of course I took the time to read the article in its entirety. This was my favorite line:

"If [their height] is not enough to get your attention, Wilco, who was born in the Netherlands, is blond and pale, while Keisha, who is of African heritage, is dark."

I'm going to open it up to you, my insightful readers. What is wrong with that sentence? Both in sentiment and fact.

I'm listening. Let 'er rip.

Peace.

Can "Mixed" Marriages Really Work?

This is not going to be a post where we rehash the shameful story of the New Orleans justice of the peace who refused to provide a marriage license to an interracial couple (he's being sued by the way.) No, the mixed marriages I'm wondering about are of a different ilk.

So we're sitting at the dinner table this weekend with some new friends of ours. She's from Ecuador and he's a true man of the world, born in Lebanon to a German mother and a Lebanese father, raised on three separate continents, fluent in several languages, and so on and so on. Well, it's Halloween and we were eating pizzas and a fresh salad I had prepared but to my surprise the husband declined the salad. "He doesn't eat vegetables," his wife groaned in exasperation.
"What do you mean you don't eat vegetables," I asked?
"I don't like them," he said.
"All vegetables," I pushed, because I don't understand how an entire food group can be found to be unpleasant. To prove his point, he reached for another piece of the white pizza, because he couldn't even abide by tomato sauce. "That's right, all vegetables," he said.
His wife looked at me with regret in her eyes. "My mother told me not to marry him because this vegetable thing would become a problem, but I didn't listen. I was young and in love. I should have listened."

So that got us on the conversation about mixed marriages. Could you marry someone with drastically different food habits than yourself? I saw a segment on one of the morning news shows once that claimed that food habits were right up there with financial habits when it came to deal breakers between otherwise happy couples. Vegetarians with Omnivores? Kosher vs Non-Kosher? Organics vs. The guy who eats neon green breakfast cereal and pop-tarts? I don't know, can it work? El esposo and I claim it's food that actually brought us together and over the years, things that I love he has grown to appreciate (chocolate chip cookies) and things that only a Spaniard could love (pig fat and green olives) I too can enjoy.

So what do you think? Do you have a Mixed marriage or relationship by this definition? How does it work? Please share.

Peace.