Why I Should Be a Contestant on Dancing With the Stars

Recently ABC announced the new contestants on their hit show Dancing with the Stars. If you're like me and new to the show, basically ABC finds B-list and or otherwise not-so-famous-anymore "celebrities" to compete against each other in a serious dance competition. And maybe it's because this is season 13, but it seems to me the show's producers are really reaching to find suitable competitors. Maybe they have completely gone through Hollywood's B-list and now they're just looking for personalities who will make for good TV watching. Why else is Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono on the show? I mean really, a dancing lawyer?

So, I was just thinking if that's the case, if ABC is trying to widen their net in finding contestants, then they should have asked me. Yes, me. And I'll tell you why. But since I'm not a lawyer like Grace, I'm not going to write a detailed brief, I'd rather just give you a list of five really good reasons. Here goes. And ABC, I hope you're listening, or, um, reading.

1. Like Bristol Palin (a former contestant) I am not a celebrity and I cannot dance. This makes for good TV watching because people will tune in to try to figure out why in the world I was chosen to be on the show and to see if I'll ever master the fox trot.

2. I'm Black and I can't dance. Obviously ABC likes diversity in the ranks (see Brandy, Kristi Yamaguchi, Rick Fox) but usually the Black people selected can dance and they seem to get voted off rather quickly. But because I'm a Black person who truly has a horrible sense of rhythm and was asked to leave ballet class at age five due to habitual clumsiness, there's the air of the unexpected with me. I'd be like an affirmative-action wild card.

3. I just had a baby. Everybody loves a flabby new mom trying to loose weight by being on a major network dance competition. But unlike Kate (I have 8 kids) Gosselin, I wouldn't leave my kids at home in Pennsylvania while I lived it up in LA. No, I'd be a good mother and pull my kids out of school and bring them with me, homeschool them in between cha-cha lessons and let them be in a lot of publicity shots for the show. Who doesn't love cute kids? And my kids are adorable and really photogenic.

4. I'm a writer. As far as I know, there's never been a writer on the show. New is always good. And can you imagine if I won? My book sales would go through the roof and I could slap a gold seal or something on all of my book covers that says I'm a Dancing with the Stars champion. This would be excellent exposure for me and I'm sure the show would benefit too because they could say they support literacy by supporting me. Who doesn't want to be pro-literacy?

5. I look really good in sequins and I have a flair for the dramatic. That's just my opinion, but ABC I dare you to prove me wrong.